GE to Caroline [Mrs. Charles] Bray, [Griff, 20 April 1842]
Title
GE to Caroline [Mrs. Charles] Bray, [Griff, 20 April 1842]
Title
GE to Caroline [Mrs. Charles] Bray, [Griff, 20 April 1842]
Sender
George Eliot
Recipient
Caroline [Mrs. Charles] Bray
Date(s)
- 1842-04-20
Place
Griff
Letter Content
GE to Caroline [Mrs. Charles] Bray, [Griff, 20 April 1842]
MS: Parrish Collection, Princeton. Hitherto unpublished.
My dear Mrs. Bray,
I wish I had you as a companion in a ramble through a precious little dingle that I have as a resort here, instead of doing what is only second best to talking with you. Before I had your kind letter, one of the ravens that hovered over me in my Saul-like visitation, was the idea that you did not love me well enough to bestow any time on me more than what I had already robbed you of, but that same letter was a David's harp that quite charmed away this naughty imagination. 426 I know I am exposing myself very foolishly to contemptuous pity by telling such feelings, and the confessional too, according to the experience of all faithful Catholics is not the best check to frailty, but I am in earnest determining to o'er master this ugly habit of mind, that proceeds not from a want of self esteem, but a yearning for what is more than in sober reason and real humility I ought to desire.
You asked me in your first note to tell you about family matters -- they are rather clearer to me than they were. My sister-in-law here whose affection in spite of my excommunicated state I have been happy enough to win, having had some conversation with my Father wherein she represented to him what I have managed to make visible to herself -- that if he be actuated by a love of truth, and desire that I should return to the profession of what he regards as truth, he could not place a more effective barrier to my [conversion] than by making my apparent worldly interests in any way dependent on it. That the prospect of reinstalment in external comforts or in the good opinion of the world would be precisely the attendant on a change of opinion to create the most violent struggle in my mind ere I could confess such change, and that as regards society the attempt to interlace worldly interests with religious sentiment even more closely than in the present state of things is inevitable, would be an Ehud's homage to piety no other than a stab under the fifth rib. 427 My Father consented and said that I had better return to him after a time, but he is bent, at present, more determinedly than is usual with him, on leaving Foleshill. A most lugubrious looking place at Fillongley (!) 428 runs in his head as a desirable residence. Of course I shall not utter a word of discontent or claim a voice in the matter of a choice concerning his abode. I can quite appropriate Satan's sentiment, "What matter where if I be still the same." 429 Or rather if I be attaining a better autocratship than that of the Emperor of all the Russias -- the empire over self. But though disposed to be lamb-like in this matter, there is another on which I am warm and decided. When I came hither I did so in compliance with my Father's wish that I should retire for a time from a neighbourhood in which I had been placed on the very comfortable pedestal of the town gazing-stock and to be very plain but not less true, made a fool of by announcing my departure to everyone connected with me, but I never contemplated remaining here longer than a month, and I cannot be induced to prolong a visit farther than that. I must have a settled home if my mind is to become healthy and composed, and I shall therefore write to my Father in a week and request his decision. It is important, I know, for him as well as myself that I should return to him without delay, and unless I draw a circle round him and require an answer within it, he will go on hesitating and hoping for weeks and weeks. 430 It was a sacrifice in the first instance to take up my abode with any of my family, and though I have every kindness here, there are feelings which are incommunicable that render it impossible for me to continue long an adjunct to a family instead of an integral part. A very interesting yarn this, that I am spinning. Do forgive me I am extraordinarily dense and selfish this morning -- and the epistolary muse, if there were one, would disdain to unite her influence with those of Epsom salts, which are just now making my head dizzy. I do not make many knots an hour in mental progress here, for in-door attention to others and out-door loveliness are in league to make an idler of me. I would I knew something about any creature beside myself to write of -- as it is I can only beg you to reconcile me to my eternal egotism by copying it. I fear to read over my letter lest the silly things I have said should be engraven on my memory.
Thank you for the note and notes. I shall think of Miss Brabant 431 with grateful pleasure. Alas! I despair now of seeing your locks parted after my taste and like most other people (on other subjects) I am lost in astonishment that anyone can differ from me -- that my ideas of the elegant and becoming are not shared by all the world. Nevertheless I can love you just as well, and I venture to say shall always love you however you might travesty the exterior of that something that utters, looks, smiles, and writes wisely and lovingly.
Do manage to cheer me with another little note.
Ever your affectionate,
Mary Ann Evans.
MS: Parrish Collection, Princeton. Hitherto unpublished.
My dear Mrs. Bray,
I wish I had you as a companion in a ramble through a precious little dingle that I have as a resort here, instead of doing what is only second best to talking with you. Before I had your kind letter, one of the ravens that hovered over me in my Saul-like visitation, was the idea that you did not love me well enough to bestow any time on me more than what I had already robbed you of, but that same letter was a David's harp that quite charmed away this naughty imagination. 426 I know I am exposing myself very foolishly to contemptuous pity by telling such feelings, and the confessional too, according to the experience of all faithful Catholics is not the best check to frailty, but I am in earnest determining to o'er master this ugly habit of mind, that proceeds not from a want of self esteem, but a yearning for what is more than in sober reason and real humility I ought to desire.
You asked me in your first note to tell you about family matters -- they are rather clearer to me than they were. My sister-in-law here whose affection in spite of my excommunicated state I have been happy enough to win, having had some conversation with my Father wherein she represented to him what I have managed to make visible to herself -- that if he be actuated by a love of truth, and desire that I should return to the profession of what he regards as truth, he could not place a more effective barrier to my [conversion] than by making my apparent worldly interests in any way dependent on it. That the prospect of reinstalment in external comforts or in the good opinion of the world would be precisely the attendant on a change of opinion to create the most violent struggle in my mind ere I could confess such change, and that as regards society the attempt to interlace worldly interests with religious sentiment even more closely than in the present state of things is inevitable, would be an Ehud's homage to piety no other than a stab under the fifth rib. 427 My Father consented and said that I had better return to him after a time, but he is bent, at present, more determinedly than is usual with him, on leaving Foleshill. A most lugubrious looking place at Fillongley (!) 428 runs in his head as a desirable residence. Of course I shall not utter a word of discontent or claim a voice in the matter of a choice concerning his abode. I can quite appropriate Satan's sentiment, "What matter where if I be still the same." 429 Or rather if I be attaining a better autocratship than that of the Emperor of all the Russias -- the empire over self. But though disposed to be lamb-like in this matter, there is another on which I am warm and decided. When I came hither I did so in compliance with my Father's wish that I should retire for a time from a neighbourhood in which I had been placed on the very comfortable pedestal of the town gazing-stock and to be very plain but not less true, made a fool of by announcing my departure to everyone connected with me, but I never contemplated remaining here longer than a month, and I cannot be induced to prolong a visit farther than that. I must have a settled home if my mind is to become healthy and composed, and I shall therefore write to my Father in a week and request his decision. It is important, I know, for him as well as myself that I should return to him without delay, and unless I draw a circle round him and require an answer within it, he will go on hesitating and hoping for weeks and weeks. 430 It was a sacrifice in the first instance to take up my abode with any of my family, and though I have every kindness here, there are feelings which are incommunicable that render it impossible for me to continue long an adjunct to a family instead of an integral part. A very interesting yarn this, that I am spinning. Do forgive me I am extraordinarily dense and selfish this morning -- and the epistolary muse, if there were one, would disdain to unite her influence with those of Epsom salts, which are just now making my head dizzy. I do not make many knots an hour in mental progress here, for in-door attention to others and out-door loveliness are in league to make an idler of me. I would I knew something about any creature beside myself to write of -- as it is I can only beg you to reconcile me to my eternal egotism by copying it. I fear to read over my letter lest the silly things I have said should be engraven on my memory.
Thank you for the note and notes. I shall think of Miss Brabant 431 with grateful pleasure. Alas! I despair now of seeing your locks parted after my taste and like most other people (on other subjects) I am lost in astonishment that anyone can differ from me -- that my ideas of the elegant and becoming are not shared by all the world. Nevertheless I can love you just as well, and I venture to say shall always love you however you might travesty the exterior of that something that utters, looks, smiles, and writes wisely and lovingly.
Do manage to cheer me with another little note.
Ever your affectionate,
Mary Ann Evans.
Signature
Mary Ann Evans.
Citation
George Eliot, GE to Caroline [Mrs. Charles] Bray, [Griff, 20 April 1842], Complete George Eliot Letters(2026), George Eliot Archive, edited by Beverley Park Rilett. https://GeorgeEliotArchive.org, Accessed September 7, 2026. https://georgeeliotarchive.org/items/show/93212